Mother to the motherless?

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately.  It keeps popping up everywhere.  I don't honestly know what the future of our family looks like- perhaps we are called to adopt, perhaps we're not.  One way or another, I figure that it can't hurt to have as much information as possible.

What I've found is that I think my assessment is correct- adoption is NOT for every family.  God doesn't direct us to adopt the fatherless, he calls us all to protect and bring justice to orphans.  The more I read, the more strongly I feel that we are to provide a strong support system for orphans and the families that give them homes.  Those families have answered a high calling in that regard, and it is NOT for the faint of heart.

By many reports, adoption is much more difficult than raising one's own biological children.  To a great extent,  the biological parent has much control over the conditions under which their child is raised.  The adopted child has history which parents will never fully be able to understand.

In the "best" of conditions a child is put up for adoption  because their biological mother "doesn't want them."  You and I know that claim of being unwanted may not necessarily be the case.  In most cases the mother is simply unable to provide adequate care for a child and makes a decision to give the child, "a better life."  However, at the end of the day the reality is that most adoptive children will go through this perceived "unwanted" phase at least once in their life.  The unlucky find this stigma following them throughout their entire life, spinning its dark web throughout every facet of their life. 

With children from the hard places it gets even stickier.

Foreign orphans have often been isolated with far less attention than is needed for healthy development.  This can lead to detachment disorders, and reversion to basic survival techniques is common.  A child does not know how to bond with their new parents, and many times will react to anything new and scary in very primitive ways- from screaming and lashing out (fight) to "dropping dead" and losing control of their functions (flight.) 

Domestically the case isn't any better.  In order to be orphaned a child has experienced great loss.  This means gross lack of proper vital care,  abuse, the loss of caretakers they loved, or a combination of the above. 

If you know the family I'm going share about below,  please don't comment on their identity.  They've been kind enough to share their hearts with me and allow me to pass along what they've shared- without revealing who they are.  If you know them, please respect that with me. 

The family adopted twin girls a number of years ago and just recently added another biological brother and sister to the family.
For the sake of conversation we'll call them :  Dad- Joe; Mom-Jane; Twins- Bailey & Morgan;  Two most recent children- Charlie & Jenny. 

From Jane:
"The grief  [of not having biological children] was very acute for a few years - and then essentially gone once we adopted the girls. It has returned to some degree this year as we've transitioned Charlie & Jenny to the family. They are so different from all of us and their behavior has been very challenging at times - so I found myself grieving again - more for the loss of bonding that occurs even pre-birth with a birth child. I think the beautiful thing though, is that when an adoptive child is grieving, I'm free to cry with them and tell them that I wish they didn't have this experience either.
God's plan is that birth children be raised in loving birth families and His heart is grieved when children are orphaned for whatever reason. I don't think they receive this as rejection from me, simply as an affirmation that their conflicting feelings are okay... I would encourage you and Mike to really talk about your feelings and work through the infertility issues and prospect of adoption. I firmly believe that God sometimes allows certain couples to experience this pain so that they can care for the fatherless. "I will not offer anything that costs me nothing" - adopting children is a sacrifice (not always financial, I'm speaking more emotionally). For our adoptions, we went through Adams County and those experiences were much better than other friends who've gone through Denver County, Larimer, Boulder...
...Financially, the State really does everything it can to remove the financial barriers to adoption. This ranges from low costs to providing post-adoption subsidies and Medicaid for the children when appropriate. Their goal is to get children placed with good families - and they don't want finances to be a barrier.

Another resource that we highly recommend based on what others have told us is Project 1.27 http://project127.com/. This is a christian based organization and our caseworker LOVES the families that come out of here.

Follow your instincts - even when you're looking at the cases and the kiddos - if the child you're considering doesn't "feel right", move on to another. Weird, but I really think you need to have that kind of gut-level confidence about the situation because it will get bumpy and you'll need the assurance!

If I think of other things, I'll let you know. Karyn Purvis has an entire video series for purchase - our church bought it and we're borrowing the videos one at a time. They are PHENOMENAL! Maybe your church would be interested in putting something similar in their library?

PS - thanks for the prayers. The kids are all still grieving their adoptions. Milestones like the finalization later this week bring up that kind of grief. Jenny swears she is sitting in the hallway during the finalization. I don't think she will - but I'm prepared to let her do that if she chooses. She and Morgan don't want Charlie & Jenny to join the family, but things have improved and I'm just trusting God for it all to gel eventually."

As an outsider not involved in the intimate details of this family's daily lives I would have told you that I thought them to be the healthiest, most well-adjusted adoptive family I know.  What Jane has shared reminds me that while that may still be the case,  even the most "well-adjusted" adoptive family will likely experience grief, feelings of rejection, resistance to change, behavioral concerns, and a lot of hard work to come together as a family in the same way that all-biological families often experience without any effort or thought.

The resource that I've found to be most powerful so far is one of the websites Jane shared.  If you've considered adopting, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE inform yourself fully.

EXPLORE YOUR EXPECTATIONS- It's much more common than I had ever imagined would think for children who were adopted to be returned to the care of the agency from which they came or sent to another family. When I first read about this I thought it was simply a case of a callous, irresponsible family that wasn't ready to have children.  Well, it's not that easy.  If you're considering adoption, are you prepared to have a child that: 

- Doesn't (and may never) love you?
- Doesn't want to be a part of your family?
- Grieves a family that abused them?
- Cannot perform basic functions common to their developmental stage? (i.e. a seven-year-old that defecates in hidden corners of the house on a regular basis)
- Is violently/physically abusive to others in the household? 

I hope that this post has given you a lot more to think about as it did for me.  Please check out the Empowered to Connect website-  especially the Insights and Gifts video series.  The site describes this as:
"This 16 video series (developed in partnership with the TCU Institute of Child Development) offers seven insights and seven gifts that are highly relevant for those who are adopting or fostering children from hard places"

I also hope that this will encourage you to seek out in your community how you can support adoptive families, adoptees, and those who are waiting for that to happen...

Wedding Day Emergency Kit

Health/hygiene: 
 Deodorant
tampons/ pads
Aleve, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Aspirin
Pepto Bismol, Rolaids
Mouthwash, floss, disposable toothbrushes, gum
Aloe-scented freshening wipes
Kleenex, Anti-Redness Eye drops
Dry-Touch Bug Spray & Sunscreen, if outside.
Other Care/Emergency items:
Anti-static spray
Shout cleaning wipes
Lint roller
Body Tape (helps hold things in place...)
Black bobby pins
Hair Spray
Sewing kit
Krazy glue
Safety pins
Straight pins
Drinking straws

FRESH each time-

2 favorite candy/granola bars- 2 items that the bride thinks she could eat 

under just about any circumstances, even if dizzy/nauseated.

Bottled Water, force-fed if necessary

Instant Ice pack for bride & groom.  Snap-activated for the last half hour or so before the ceremony- put on the back of neck to stay cool and un-sweaty.

REAL Women- Survey Says: Survival of the Prettiest- Natural or Social?

   When I pose the question, "Natural or Social?" I'd like you to consider that I am referring not to an abstract definition of "natural."  Often times we refer to something being natural with the assumption that whatever is natural is generally pleasing and acceptable.  In this context we must refer to natural in its base definitions:  existing in or in conformity with nature or the observable world; unthinking; prompted by (or as if by) instinct.  
Perhaps we're reminded of this by the original word and it's suffix:  nature-al, or having the characteristics of nature.

There are an increasing number of scientists who argue that appreciating beauty is not learned, but rather is a biological adaptation. For the sake of this column, let's assume that micro-evolution is fact.  That is, that independent of your opinion of the origin of the world,  it is WELL-established that there are biological changes that happen to species based on adaptation to their environment. 

Possible Discussion:
1. Do you believe that biology rather than anthropology provides the base of what we as a society consider beautiful? Why?

2.  Should we as a society in general place more or less emphasis on beauty as it relates to ACTUAL physical fitness/health? Why?

Comment within the blog or make your response HERE.  

REAL Women 1.1 Survey Says: Rules & Privacy

   

  I'd first like to say thank you if you choose to share your opinions and your heart with me and other women.  I believe that paramount to receiving REAL honest information from women requires guaranteeing security of their information- privacy.  

I WILL NEVER REVEAL THE IDENTITY 

OF ANY CONTRIBUTOR 

WITHOUT HER 

EXPLICIT PERMISSION 

TO DO SO. 

Identity Details:

• In order to be able to refer to everyone as "another woman says..." or "someone feels like...",  The name "Bella" will replace ALL first names.  Call me cheesy, but I like the idea of using the name "Bella" (beautiful) for all contributors.  I'll call myself Bella Mama simply as the parent/author of the column. 
• If you'd like, you're welcome to choose  and inform me your own designation, i.e. "Bella Blue",  "Bella Biker", "Bella Bookworm".  It doesn't have to be an alliteration like I'm apparently fond of above, and it doesn't have to be the same every time.  If you'd like, you can also choose what I call an "advice-column" name, such as "Bored in Boston",  "Desperate in Denver." (There are those pesky alliterations again.)
• If you choose, you may at any time identify YOURSELF in commentary. 
• If you somehow guess the identity of another Bella and share that information with others, you will  immediately be banned.
•  If you have resources/advice/similar experience you'd like to share with another Bella I have referred to but do not want it shared with everyone, you may contact me allowing me to share your offer with HER.  I will contact her privately asking if she'd like to speak.  If she declines,  you will not learn her identity. 

REAL Women 1.0- Survey Says: Purpose

The purpose is to have a cross-section of REAL women to survey on various issues with results being used as research for a regular "column" on my blog. 

Joining in doesn't mean committing to answering everything every time, I'd just love to have a large group of ladies to weigh in on anything and everything they feel compelled to. 

Do you ever wonder if you're dealing with something rationally or if there's some kind of "girl-brain" mental block that is making things more difficult?

I'm also hoping this "column" gives you a forum to anonymously pose a subject/question that I will ask to the "community" at large, posting the responses as I'm given permission. 

Speaking of permission, I'm referring to protecting your privacy. I have a structured plan for gathering and sharing information- I'll post that soon.

Laura's Super-Duper How-to Guide for Having a Non-Bridezilla but "All-Yours" Wedding Day.

Are you tired just from reading the title? Yeah, well, brace yourself because I'm verbose. This post started as a "quick note" to a friend recently engaged who asked a totally unrelated question of her FB friends.

   After a while I realized HOW much I had written and that I might look like an obsessive, crazy, bossy lady if I sent it all to her. I also wondered if anybody else might have interest in this kind of content for future events. Therefore, I hereby post my comments for all to see. Friends' names have been removed to protect the (somewhat) innocent.

   You have your own friends and family that will be involved but I had so much FUN that I have to share some thoughts. I felt like before getting married, everyone gave me tips on how to do this, that, and the other thing for the wedding. Nobody gave me ANY ideas on how to make it “ours” and have the most FUN with it as the celebration of our marriage, not just an impersonal “wedding”. Riding away in the limo that night, Mike and I both remarked at how laid back things were but how much FUN this celebration had been. I hope that makes sense.

   I LOVE event planning and SERIOUSLY nerd out about our wedding, cost-savings on weddings (if that's of interest), and how to get and keep things running smoothly. I acted as wedding-day manager/planner for two other dear friends. It was even suggested that I try my hand at it professionally, but I'd much rather do this for fun than make it work.

   Average cost for a wedding in Denver/Metro is around $35,000 plus honeymoon. We did ours for right around $10,000 INCLUDING honeymoon, but we didn't care about a lot of fancy minute details/decorations as much as some folks would. I totally understand that, but tight-budgeted as we were, we had a PHENOMENAL day that I have NO regrets about (personally OR logistically.) =D

If you're going to splurge on ONE thing, splurge on photography.

   We love love LOVE our wedding pics, still up in my FB pics if you want to see and/or check out some of the details I’ll talk about later. A lot of people are hiring a videographer too- that’s just personal preference.

   Make sure you find a photographer that you can buy the rights from. When a photographer takes pictures at your wedding, even though they’re YOU, the photographer owns the copyright to those files and images. If you buy “full rights” you will receive a cd/flash drive with all your digital files, with unlimited rights to print, re-print, etc. If you don’t you’re not allowed legally to make copies of any of your own pictures. Any time you want any of them or order some for family members you’d have to pay the photographer their inflated price for prints. A lot of photographers are now either including the “buying rights” in some of their packages, or they will do it as an add-on. We spent almost a third of our budget on photography alone, but it was SO worth it, and in the end we saved a LOT of money not paying print and copy fees.


   Also, buy disposable cameras to set out. Put a well-loved and lovely petite Greek friend in charge of taking pictures with them and making sure others do too. Ok, so not everybody gets to have a “Dora”, but it was still pretty awesome and we got to see pics of a lot of candid moments we didn’t witness.

People can’t tell the difference between real and silk flowers. Really.

   If you look at our pictures, we had NO real flowers. I’m not even “Lutterman” crafty and neither is mom (Kati is) but we had no trouble at all putting together all the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnières for under $200. That’s less than the cost of ONE bride’s bouquet from most places. This also made life a LOT easier, we didn’t have to worry about keeping fresh flowers cool, watered, etc. We made them up well ahead of time then tucked them away a box and didn’t have to think about them during all the last-minute preparations. If you go this route, my best advice is to start cutting out pictures of all the arrangements you like, but be flexible about the exact “background” flowers and take a little time visiting craft stores finding ones that you like.

   If you want real flowers and don’t mind simple arrangements, my best friend ordered orange and pink roses, baby’s breath and greenery from CostCo. She picked up the day before, and we all sat around assembling everything the night before. It was FUN, and they turned out beautifully!!

You’ll save a lot of time/frustration if you

don’t assign seating at the reception.

   People start making demands about who they do/don’t want to sit by, you have to worry about others that you just generally know don’t like each other, etc. Plus, the “small” cost of stationery cards is one of the things that add up really fast. Instead, reserve (still unassigned spots) tables up front for family, and everyone will naturally group with the people they want to sit with. This worked great for all 3 weddings I worked on.

Ceremony- Do it YOUR way. It’s way less stodgy.

   We are NOT pomp-and-circumstance kind of people. We had a lot of fun writing our own ceremony, choosing what music we walked to (Mike’s entrance was the Indiana Jones Theme).

  The ceremony itself included inside jokes and way more detailed promises we wanted to make to each other than “in sickness and in health…” etc. If you have any interest in seeing ours as an example, I’m happy to share.

Eat, Drink, and be MARRIED!

Eat well and HYDRATE, HYDRATE, HYDRATE

  Don't skip ANY meals the day before, and especially not breakfast the morning of. You’ll have much more fun and feel great. I know a bride who didn’t eat or drink much because of all the excitement, and didn’t take the time to sit down and eat her meal at the reception. She was dizzy, nauseated and she fainted on her wedding day. A few times.

Wear comfortable shoes.

   If you have beautiful heels to wear with your dress and can't bear to wear sneaks the WHOLE time, at least change for walking around at the reception.   Your feet will thank you in the morning, and you won't be hobbling around like a granny as you take off for honeymoon adventures. I LOVED my Skechers, I even decorated them.  My feet were comfortable all day long, and the only reason anybody even knew is because I showed them.

Find Someone Bossy. Mind you, find someone that is diplomatically bossy.

   Put her in charge of ALL "problems" and general logistics on the wedding day. Not drinking enough water? Have her go get you a glass. Caterer doesn't know where to put the cake? She's their gal. Getting a headache? Have her grab an Advil from your day-of emergency kit. (Hmm, I sense another post about Kit contents coming on...) This requires some pre-planning so they know your preferences including, "If ____ goes wrong, I want _____ to happen, but anything else, who really cares (?)..."

Random:

I rented three goats to “give” to Mike as a dowry at the rehearsal dinner. It was hilarious.

Don’t let people change your plans tell you

how THEY want it done if you're not ok with it.

Even if they’re paying.

   If they play that card, tell them that you that you’d really rather have things the way you would like them on YOUR day and if they disagree you appreciate them but you’re happy to pay for ____ yourself (and be prepared to.) We had to do that with a family member and our photography. In that case, we wanted GREAT, not cheap.

FOCUS!

  Arrange everything so that the last (at least 4) hours before, you don’t have to “accomplish” anything. Delegate all the last minute stuff to your bossy friend and take your time getting ready. (Or hire me as a day-of coordinator! (kidding. (kindof. If you wanted to, I'd only ask for travel cost and meals.))) Take a quiet moment to sit down by yourself and write your last “single” note to your hubby-to-be about an hour before the ceremony starts. It's a calming, directed pre-game ritual. Give him the note later.

Go for a Walk...

   After the initial exit post-ceremony and dismissing people, go for a short walk with the photographer. I loved it as a quick get-away for a few minutes of peace and quiet just TOGETHER immediately after becoming husband and wife, and that time produced some of my favorite pictures. It was private, calming and intimate before the excitement of party time.

...But Don't Walk TOO Much.

   Don't worry about walking around making sure you're greeting EVERY person at the reception. Enjoy yourself, mingle naturally and leisurely. People will come to you, and if they don't it means they don't want your special day to be too hectic.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Things will go wrong. Enjoy the DAY, not the details.

   The tux place messed up Mike’s measurements and his tux pants were about 6 inches too short before he scooted them down his hips as much as he could. I didn’t know (and didn’t care) until about a week later. Other things went wrong. I don’t remember what anymore. Get the picture?

FINALLY,

Have FUN!

  I snuck over and faux-hawked my nephew’s hair after my sister put gel in it. She was ticked. Jonathan and I thought it was mad funny and I made her leave it for the wedding. Do it all your way.

The House That Cleans Itself

Keep your home twice as clean in half the time by learning to adapt your house to fit your behavior. If you're tired of wrestling with messiness and disorder in your home, then it's time to consider a new approach, think outside of the box, and use creative problem-solving to get a handle on the clutter and dirt. Follow Mindy's fun and encouraging step-by-step plan to convert your home into a house that practically cleans itself.

Yeah. Right. I was staring at the bookshelf in one of my favorite stores, trying to decide which of my shortcomings was most urgent- which of the "womens'interests" I should tackle first. This book practically jumped off the shelf at me. Ironically, after such a dramatic start, it sat on my bookshelf at home for MONTHS.

A week or so ago, hubby and I were lamenting AGAIN at how messy our house always is, so I started reading. As I started reading, I realized that this may actually work for us. The one thing that struck me most was that the author claims that some people are natural neatniks, while the rest of us spend our lives fighting the mess, feeling embarrassed. Somewhere along the way, we convinced ourselves that cleanliness was a sheer matter of self-control and virtue of character- which we didn't have. She works from that place of self-deprecation, and addresses some of the mental and emotional roadblocks we may have to overcome before being able to re-structure. From there, she teaches how to organize your household AROUND your messy habits to make the house work for you.

From the first chapter:
"The House That Cleans Itself (HTCI) System begins by leading you step-by-step through a home-evaluation process. By taking a fresh look at familiar spaces, you will be able to define the various behaviors and habits that tend to create clutter, mess, and dirt throughout your home. Conventional housekeeping experts might say that once you know what the problem behaviors and habits are, you can change them. But I contend that if you COULD change those behaviors you WOULD have done so by now. In fact, you’ve probably tried and tried in the past and ended up disappointed and frustrated with yourself and/or your family members.

The HCTI System, however, shows you how to change your HOUSE, often in creative and clever ways, so that behaviors are no longer an issue. By adapting the ENVIRONMENT to compensate for and/or eliminate the BEHAVIOR, your house will stay clean longer and with less effort than you ever imagined.

Finally , my system shows you how to maintain lasting change- again, not by forcing you to develop new habits or behaviors, but by anticipating and circumventing your natural inclinations toward mess from now on.

If you follow the system from beginning to end, faithfully doing each step, when you are finished your house will stay cleaner day by day and your cleaning routine will be faster and more efficient than ever before. Best of all, these things will happen in a way that at times feels so effortless you’ll think your house really is cleaning itself!"

This is our journey, and I'm going to take you along for the ride to see if it works for two truly messy humans and two messy dogs.

Keep an eye on us along the way...