Mother to the motherless?

Adoption has been on my mind a lot lately.  It keeps popping up everywhere.  I don't honestly know what the future of our family looks like- perhaps we are called to adopt, perhaps we're not.  One way or another, I figure that it can't hurt to have as much information as possible.

What I've found is that I think my assessment is correct- adoption is NOT for every family.  God doesn't direct us to adopt the fatherless, he calls us all to protect and bring justice to orphans.  The more I read, the more strongly I feel that we are to provide a strong support system for orphans and the families that give them homes.  Those families have answered a high calling in that regard, and it is NOT for the faint of heart.

By many reports, adoption is much more difficult than raising one's own biological children.  To a great extent,  the biological parent has much control over the conditions under which their child is raised.  The adopted child has history which parents will never fully be able to understand.

In the "best" of conditions a child is put up for adoption  because their biological mother "doesn't want them."  You and I know that claim of being unwanted may not necessarily be the case.  In most cases the mother is simply unable to provide adequate care for a child and makes a decision to give the child, "a better life."  However, at the end of the day the reality is that most adoptive children will go through this perceived "unwanted" phase at least once in their life.  The unlucky find this stigma following them throughout their entire life, spinning its dark web throughout every facet of their life. 

With children from the hard places it gets even stickier.

Foreign orphans have often been isolated with far less attention than is needed for healthy development.  This can lead to detachment disorders, and reversion to basic survival techniques is common.  A child does not know how to bond with their new parents, and many times will react to anything new and scary in very primitive ways- from screaming and lashing out (fight) to "dropping dead" and losing control of their functions (flight.) 

Domestically the case isn't any better.  In order to be orphaned a child has experienced great loss.  This means gross lack of proper vital care,  abuse, the loss of caretakers they loved, or a combination of the above. 

If you know the family I'm going share about below,  please don't comment on their identity.  They've been kind enough to share their hearts with me and allow me to pass along what they've shared- without revealing who they are.  If you know them, please respect that with me. 

The family adopted twin girls a number of years ago and just recently added another biological brother and sister to the family.
For the sake of conversation we'll call them :  Dad- Joe; Mom-Jane; Twins- Bailey & Morgan;  Two most recent children- Charlie & Jenny. 

From Jane:
"The grief  [of not having biological children] was very acute for a few years - and then essentially gone once we adopted the girls. It has returned to some degree this year as we've transitioned Charlie & Jenny to the family. They are so different from all of us and their behavior has been very challenging at times - so I found myself grieving again - more for the loss of bonding that occurs even pre-birth with a birth child. I think the beautiful thing though, is that when an adoptive child is grieving, I'm free to cry with them and tell them that I wish they didn't have this experience either.
God's plan is that birth children be raised in loving birth families and His heart is grieved when children are orphaned for whatever reason. I don't think they receive this as rejection from me, simply as an affirmation that their conflicting feelings are okay... I would encourage you and Mike to really talk about your feelings and work through the infertility issues and prospect of adoption. I firmly believe that God sometimes allows certain couples to experience this pain so that they can care for the fatherless. "I will not offer anything that costs me nothing" - adopting children is a sacrifice (not always financial, I'm speaking more emotionally). For our adoptions, we went through Adams County and those experiences were much better than other friends who've gone through Denver County, Larimer, Boulder...
...Financially, the State really does everything it can to remove the financial barriers to adoption. This ranges from low costs to providing post-adoption subsidies and Medicaid for the children when appropriate. Their goal is to get children placed with good families - and they don't want finances to be a barrier.

Another resource that we highly recommend based on what others have told us is Project 1.27 http://project127.com/. This is a christian based organization and our caseworker LOVES the families that come out of here.

Follow your instincts - even when you're looking at the cases and the kiddos - if the child you're considering doesn't "feel right", move on to another. Weird, but I really think you need to have that kind of gut-level confidence about the situation because it will get bumpy and you'll need the assurance!

If I think of other things, I'll let you know. Karyn Purvis has an entire video series for purchase - our church bought it and we're borrowing the videos one at a time. They are PHENOMENAL! Maybe your church would be interested in putting something similar in their library?

PS - thanks for the prayers. The kids are all still grieving their adoptions. Milestones like the finalization later this week bring up that kind of grief. Jenny swears she is sitting in the hallway during the finalization. I don't think she will - but I'm prepared to let her do that if she chooses. She and Morgan don't want Charlie & Jenny to join the family, but things have improved and I'm just trusting God for it all to gel eventually."

As an outsider not involved in the intimate details of this family's daily lives I would have told you that I thought them to be the healthiest, most well-adjusted adoptive family I know.  What Jane has shared reminds me that while that may still be the case,  even the most "well-adjusted" adoptive family will likely experience grief, feelings of rejection, resistance to change, behavioral concerns, and a lot of hard work to come together as a family in the same way that all-biological families often experience without any effort or thought.

The resource that I've found to be most powerful so far is one of the websites Jane shared.  If you've considered adopting, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE inform yourself fully.

EXPLORE YOUR EXPECTATIONS- It's much more common than I had ever imagined would think for children who were adopted to be returned to the care of the agency from which they came or sent to another family. When I first read about this I thought it was simply a case of a callous, irresponsible family that wasn't ready to have children.  Well, it's not that easy.  If you're considering adoption, are you prepared to have a child that: 

- Doesn't (and may never) love you?
- Doesn't want to be a part of your family?
- Grieves a family that abused them?
- Cannot perform basic functions common to their developmental stage? (i.e. a seven-year-old that defecates in hidden corners of the house on a regular basis)
- Is violently/physically abusive to others in the household? 

I hope that this post has given you a lot more to think about as it did for me.  Please check out the Empowered to Connect website-  especially the Insights and Gifts video series.  The site describes this as:
"This 16 video series (developed in partnership with the TCU Institute of Child Development) offers seven insights and seven gifts that are highly relevant for those who are adopting or fostering children from hard places"

I also hope that this will encourage you to seek out in your community how you can support adoptive families, adoptees, and those who are waiting for that to happen...